I believe that the most difficult truth we must accept in our lives is that everything – the world, people, ourselves – changes. It seems redundant to state such a fact because of its obvious truth. Of course everything changes. Yet, like most important truths, the inevitability of change is both very easy to acknowledge in an abstract, intellectual fashion and exceedingly difficult to come to terms with in practice. Some changes are exciting and welcome; others are painful and unexpected. But one thing is certain – they will come. Be it with earth-shattering swiftness or at a slow creep that goes unnoticed until one day you wake up and find yourself irreversibly altered. They will come. And I have become convinced that it is our ability to confront and adapt to change that defines who we are as people.
Last week I turned 23 and, as usual, paid no special attention to my birthday. Celebrating my own birthday seems similar to congratulating myself on continuing to breathe. Important, no doubt, but nothing to write home about. Still, I find myself conflicted, wavering between two paradoxical feelings. Put simply, I feel excessively aware of my extreme youth and inexperience while simultaneously feeling extremely old. It is in this state of mind that I find myself thinking about change.
It seems that in the years since I turned 18 (only 5 years ago, though it feels both much longer and shorter than that), I have undergone an unbelievable amount of change. The 18-year-old me seems very unlike the person I am today. I cannot imagine how I will feel in another 5, 10, or 15 years from now. I have always been fascinated with change. I love it and willingly inflict it upon myself. Having no respect for moderation, I like to introduce tremendous changes into my life whenever I feel that I have become complacent. Though it might not seem this way now and I didn’t realize it then, moving away from Colorado to Boston alone was an enormous leap. While it ultimately had no affect on my external situation, taking anti-depressants and considering dropping out of college to be a rock climbing/adventure guide (and abandoning everything I had considered important up to that point), produced extremely profound internal changes. Moving again, this time to Japan, will no doubt affect me. Superficially, it already has in many ways…for some reason my handwriting has changed from its regimental ALL CAPITALS to a scrawling shorthand cursive. Even now, while my external situation appears deceptively static, I am in a near-constant state of inner chaos.
Despite these changes and a growing confidence in my ability to confront them, I remain uncomfortably aware of my own shortcomings…shortcomings that are all-too-commonly associated with youth. A blind, youthful arrogance in my own intellectual ability that occasionally borders on narcissism and often finds expression in a certain judgmental elitism. An overconfidence in my ability to understand myself and others. A complete lack of discipline when it comes to performing activities that I dislike. It seems self-indulgent to write this. Does being able to see the psychological brick wall that you repeatedly slam your head into make you any more empowered than blindly running into it? You still end up bashing your head in.
But I have always had a taste for self-indulgence. More than that, I am guilty of an inability to relinquish control. I cannot stop my relentless introspection or my constant analysis of everything and everyone around me. Because of this, I have never had the ability to just be a lighthearted, stupid, young girl in her early 20s. And that is why I feel old, or at least too old for my peers. I cannot remember a time when I felt comfortable with people my own age. Whether this is good or bad remains uncertain.
On a completely unrelated note, someone found my blog through a Google search of “human desire and sexual angst.” Those are the exact two concepts that I would use to describe my entire high school experience. Hilarious!
Tags: constantineintokyo, Ramblings
Stephen J. Haessler
Dear Constantine,
I highly recommend investigating CrossFit. If aging can be understood in geographic terms, it involves the slow contraction of one’s circle of activity, as in “Oh, I don’t want to go downtown…. they’re so many loud people there….” That is aging, in a sense. Our son got us into CrossFit later in life. I am 59 and my wife Midori is 56. After nearly one year in crossfit, we feel and look great. It is amazing. I could so beat up the me of twenty years ago. And Midori is incredible. I raved about about your blog and she is going to visit soon. Anyway, Greg Glassman and Laura his wife invented crossfit. It is based on science (aren’t they all? No, none are, except CF). The idea is that fitness and health are one, and the ultimate test of any fitness regime is its ability to help you meet the challenges of the unknown and the unknowable, as in being robbed at an ATM. The best short article on CF is called “What is CrossFit?” by Glassman. I’ll see if I can send you a copy. Our coach at CrossFit Works (Tucson) is from Colorado Springs. He’s 24. He’s a physics major from the University of Chicago. Brilliant. Like you. I am going to tell him about your blog, though I hesitate to do so, because our son … oh my, I am rolling down hill here out of control. I apologize for my gaijin rudeness. Anyway, I think your ideas and interests are fantastic and want you to know that you are doing great things. Keep going! All the best,
Steve
constantineintokyo
Steve,
I agree with your ‘geographical’ description of aging. In my experience, the ‘oldest’ people I have met are individuals who have become confined in a certain circle of activity…a circle that is increasingly difficult to breakout of even if they want to. Since my literal geographic area has become so small (I live on a tiny volcano island), I often worry that my mental circle of geography will begin to contract as well. As a natural introvert, I have always had a bad habit of withdrawing into myself. Over the years, I have needed to gradually push myself out of my own shell. That is one of the reasons why I spend so much time actively acquiring new information and posting on this blog…it allows me to maintain a certain level of intellectual fitness and establish connections with people who I would have never met otherwise, yourself included.
That said, I have neglected my physical fitness since I have moved to Japan. Your comment makes me mourn the muscle mass I have lost since moving away from Colorado Springs, rock climbing and the Rocky Mountains. Gone are the days when I would beat my Marine friends up mountain trails! Ok, now I am being overly dramatic. =) The me of a year ago could easily beat up the present me. So, I was intrigued by this ‘CrossFit’ you referred to. I googled it and looked at the homepage. I think it seems very interesting and exciting. I’m game. Certain things might need to be adjusted for my rural location, but it seems like CrossFit has a lot of adaptability built into it. I will continue to seek your guidance as my CrossFit sensei.
I am very flattered that you have such a high opinion of my blog. It really means a lot to me and encourages me to continue to push myself to produce worthwhile entries. And of course I can’t help but be intrigued by your skillfully placed ellipsis.
Thanks a lot for another great comment, and feel free to email me whenever you like.
– C.
constantineintokyo@gmail.com
Joe
Well said and well done!! Happy Belated Birthday. March is a great month to be born.
constantineintokyo
Yes, we Pisces are awesome…not that I particularly know what being a Pisces means… =)
theandroid111000
Constaintine, or whatever your real name might be!
I have read your post.
To sum it up for what I might want you to know is if you watch this video. I listen to it perhaps say every few months its a good perspective on life!
listen to it all. when i was about 18 this came out I was in college in the UK and I havent listend to it up till about 1 yr ago, its all true! very very true! oh I was in the class of 99 so thats how old I am. 29 eeeek! and you say you feel old!
I try to follow this as best I can. This year iv finally passed my motorbike test and plan to travel across tailand and tawain!
Im not religious however life will always suprise you! Hey I found your blog!
The director for the company I work for said “get used to change” I think thats the best bit of advice I can give you!
The android111000 – iv got not witty signature!
theandroid111000
the lyrics are more important than the video!
constantineintokyo
Yes, it is funny that I feel so old even though I am soooo young.
That is a very good speech full of good advice. I also love things that are designed solely to inspire and make you feel good about yourself. =P
I don’t want this blog post to make it seem like I’m not happy with my life or complaining, because I’m not. I’m really pleased with my life, but recent conversations with people has made me start thinking about the subject a little bit. We are all works-in-progress.
Have fun on your trip through Thailand and Taiwan! As someone who loves both Buddhism and rock climbing, Thailand has always been on my list of places to visit. Thailand has a really unique type of Buddhism, so be sure to check that out while you are there!
theandroid111000
ps come to UK!
constantineintokyo
The UK? Hmmmmmm, when I think of the UK I think of a lot of rain, bad food, football and beer. Granted I know nothing about the UK, so that could all be completely inaccurate! =P
theandroid111000
Im suprised your didnt say Austin Powers???
However to point out quoting your favourite film ever which is the descent, it is actually filmed in the UK…and i think there is a number 2 out now :O.
I think thats a point for the UK there! and points means prizes!
Death note is a fantastic horror series! I can recomend it!
Eckhart tolle – is rather good on the power of now!
Where’s the blog going next – Is there no rock climbing in Japan?
The android111000 β iv got not witty signature (1 nill)
constantineintokyo
Android-san,
No, fortunately the UK does not remind me of Austin Powers! I read quite a bit of the Death Note manga. Initially I found the ‘battle of wits’ between Raito (Light?) and L very interesting, but a some point it just seemed to drag on endlessly. A manga series that I do really like is MPD Psycho; fantastic art, good story, and very dark.
I recently watched The Descent: Part 2 and will be posting something about it on this blog and YouTube very soon.
I believe there is rock climbing in Japan, but not on my island. It is also something that you need a partner to do, so I think that hobby will need to be put on hold for a little while. =P
john flinn
i would like to see all your readers respond to what you have written. i strongly identify with the human side of your experiences. What amazes me is how many people i encounter who say many of these same things.
i never seem to be what i wanted to be. And, i find myself less concerned with getting to those faraway places i’ve wanted to reach.
Whenever i see you, you seem to enjoy the moment. i admire that and honor your courage to act in front of your camera. And, by the way, your toys and other special preferences are perfectly acceptable. Period. You are acting out and developing the fine art of living. i think you have shown us some fine art. Whether in Colorado, Hawaii or Japan.
Konban wa, C. san.
constantineintokyo
Thanks a lot! I think all anyone can do is try to live their lives to the fullest. At least, that is what I try to do. I’m definitely glad you enjoy my blog. =)
Philos
First of all let me tell you that I came to this blog by searching in youtube reviews of some classic movies of Japan (Mizoguchi, Kurosawa and others). Lucky me! This blog seems very interesting, but I have a peculiar reaction when I notice that a blog has too many entries already, I feel a kind “duty” to read the previous posts just to know more about the blogger, and that seems to much work when the author has been more than a year active. ^_^
The other thing, is that I am not a native english speaker, so sorry for any mistake. π
Now, out of the rarity of my psychological behavior and how I became acquainted with your blog, I have felt the same you relate in this post concerning thinking about others and myself (beliefs, behavior, etc.) and it is uncomfortable with social and ethical issues, but in itself it is amusing I think. π
To hear and critique what others say or believe (privately), although I cannot consider myself superior or above, even though I might have a feeling of that, I cannot take it seriously because there is no way of deciding really what is superiority is, there might come someone giving a parameter of superior behavior and thought, but who cares what he/she/they say/s? what makes him/her/them an authority to decide that?
Also I wonder why you said that you cannot be a light-hearted stupid girl :D, do you need to be one? but still, I see no reason why not, if it would make you more happy, not be sometimes more light hearted, whatever that means? By the little I have read of you, you seem funny and “light”, not pedantic or overly serious… although I have not read much so I could be making a mistake here :P.
To me, what matters is to be content with life, do not matter if you are not able to fulfil some standards or to achieve something, but that you are happy. You said you were, so I see no reason for worrying about this, other than for intellectual curiosity and to know more about oneself.
About change, I think it is somehing that makes life interesting. I cannot imagine the boredom of uniformity! to know that my ideas and beliefs might change in some time from now, it is fascinating (as you said). Perhaps one could hope that all this changes are for a reason (not cosmic one or by a deity, but personal) and not merely random; to know that when you are changing it is for the better, whatever that might mean or is…
Sorry for the vacuous post :p, I hope it was not a waste to lay your eyes on this random response. ^_^
I like your geekyness by the way :P.
constantineintokyo
Thanks for the comment, Philos!
No, I don’t particularly want to be a foolish young girl, but once every 6 months or so I look around at the people I know who are also my age. They seem to concern themselves less with introspection and more with parties, relationship drama, etc. I wonder if I should attempt to be more like them…for about two days and then remember why it doesn’t suit me. It’s easy to look at others and assume that their lives are happier/better/simpler than your own. However, that is never the case. I am quite content with how I am, fairly lighthearted and not over-serious, but it doesn’t hurt to question yourself periodically.
I read your first blog entry and tried to post a comment, but for some reason I could not get it to work. I was going to say that your writing/ideas remind me of William Gibson, but then I read your ‘About Me’ page and saw that you list him as one of your influences. I look forward to continuing to read your entries.
Philos
I’ll respond to two paragraphs:
“They seem to concern themselves less with introspection and more with parties, relationship drama, etc. I wonder if I should attempt to be more like themβ¦for about two days and then remember why it doesnβt suit me.”
I suppose that you could become a bit more average (I hate the word normal or natural, it is a fallacy I think and an attack to individuality and originality) just to experiment and, say, perhaps you will get an extra activity for attaining pleasure and enjoying life more. But, as you said, you feel already content and complete, then there is no necessity, unless, you feel curious. then, satisfy your curiosity. ^_^
“Itβs easy to look at others and assume that their lives are happier/better/simpler than your own. However, that is never the case.”
I never said that :/ (that is, if you were referring to what I wrote). And I think it can be hard to know if someone is really happy because, for example, one would have to come to an agreement to what happiness is; is itmerely a psychological moment of bliss or a fulfilled life a la Aristotle (Eudamonia and all that).
——————————————–
You could not post? How weird!
The comments permissions are: Anyone – includes Anonymous Users.
What sort of problem came out when you tried posting? if it does not trouble you much, can you do a screenshot of the problem?
It would be very just that my post be unread and without comments because they suck, but not because of a configuration problem -_-.
Thanks for visiting my recent blog! ^_^
Philos
I solved the problem about commentaries.
Please be free and kind enough to comment whenever you please! ^_^
Sayonara.
Philos
Oh, and happy birthday! how rude of me (really, I never remember anybody’s birthday and I remember mine only because I’m told). ^_^
Midori
Hey Constantine
Your reflections are almost identical to ones I wrote at your age in a letter (when people wrote them…which surely dates me!) to my father. He was sympathetic and his reply “seen at different times, all aspects of one’s life are hell” has encouraged me often — even now when I am supposed to be well past the age of tumultuous change. In five years you will be compassionate looking back at the woman you are now, but will find those historic struggles no where near as daunting as whatever moment you will be occupying in the future. But just knowing that — that the search for authenticity is always a struggle, miserable and joyful together, and that it is always a harbringer of change — ought to you give some comfort now.
One of my favorite novels when I was much younger was ADEN, ARABIE, by French author Paul Nizan, written in 1931, when the author fled France for the Middle East. It opens with the best three sentences ever:
“I was twenty. Let no one say it is the best time of life. Everything threatens a young man with ruin.”
constantineintokyo
Thanks for you great comment, Midori-san! I am constantly amazed when I discover, both in literature and here in cyberspace, how many people can relate to my own experiences. Even though everyone is unique, it’s amazing how much of the human condition we all share. But I suppose that is why we call it that.
And what a fantastic beginning for a novel! Paul Nizan/Aden, Arabie have gone on my list of required reading!
filmranger
HI Constantine,
To begin, please excuse my presumptuousness, but, when you blog you invite strangers entering into your moods π
I came accross your blog about a month ago looking up Yotsuya Kaidan, and have been reading your entries since. I know that this is a few weeks late, but some anxieties are hardwired into your personality, so I don’t suppose that your feelings will have changed much in the intervening weeks.
I’m replying because a) you remind me of myself a few years back and
b) as a university prof, I’ve dealt with a fair number of wicked smart 23 year olds.
It’s clear from your writing that you have a very strong critical/analytical mind and it seems like, from your writing, you treat everything from books, to films to people, as a sort of text. That you read significations from everything be it a history book or a person’s comment. This is a valuable tool to have, but its also something which you have to learn can’t be turned off and so therefore has to be managed.
There is no harm in analyzing people or presuming you understand their motivations or hidden agendas. Most likely, you are correct and those people indeed do have a hidden motivation, are acting in an ideological way, or have some underlying psychological issue (jealousy, insecurity, perversion) that is motivating them. And it is all fine to ‘read’ a person like a book, so to speak, and you shouldn’t be down on yourself for doing so. However, the world is filled with people who are either not self aware, or choose not to be. So there is a difference between understanding a person’s motivations and pointing them out. Very often, people aren’t self aware because they are psychologically not ready to be so, so knowing what motivates someone may be best kept to yourself. It doesn’t make you arrogant or over confident in yourself to believe you understand others – perhaps you’re correct and you really do understand others better! The difficulty is in how you use that knowledge – I’ve often been criticized for unfairly judging people (er, I’m a critic, it’s my stock in trade) but the point is, some times people are not critical of themselves for a reason – they simply aren’t eady to be so.
I once knew a psychologist, a brilliant woman who was exceptional at her job. However, she was an awful person to be around. She never learned that there are consequences to treating people like a text. The end result was a woman who was a brilliant reader of people, but who simply could not interact with people as anything other than a text to be read.
So what you need to do, is recognize the line between reading a person, and being able to treat people as just that – people. Fallible, messy, often unpredictable and quite often a bit stupid.
A second difficulty is your writing seems to express a certain malaise – you’ve stated elsewhere that you want to go on to study a PhD, and I think you probably should. I came to Japan the year I finished my undergraduate degree, and by the time February rolled around, I started feeling like there was nothing particularly stimulating in my life, that I had reached a kind of dead end. The job, while fun, was nothing more than that – a nice excuse to see Japan, but not leading anywhere. So, what did I do, I took that as my opportunity to apply for grad school. Grad schools will be doing their recruiting about now, and even if you don’t feel ready to go next year, just the process of applying will get your head back into an academic context and you may feel more positive about your place in life.
Also, while your interest is in history – you may enjoy doing a graduate degree in film, your historical perspective will help you a great deal in film analysis.
My point is, don’t be down about being smart, and don’t be sad about change – both are things that no one person can control, and both lead to a great (although somewhat unconventional) life.
So, don’t be sad! Embrace your intelligence (which is clearly there), enjoy Japan, it is only temporary, then be ready to change again!
And about the feeling old and young at the same time, I’m afraid that never goes away. My grandmother (94) still feels like she’s only a few days past 25. And as for me, I feel like I’m a hundred!
constantineintokyo
Filmranger-san,
This is definitely one of the moments when I am very happy I decided to take up blogging. I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction when people give me advice that is something akin to a comical “F- you, you don’t know me!” Learning to tone down this response has been something I have been trying to do over the past year (with varying success). Receiving comments from people on this blog has been part of that process.
I have to say that your comment contained some of the most insightful and relevant pieces of advice I’ve received in a while. So insightful, in fact, that it’s making me wonder just so much of myself I am revealing through this blog. Apparently much more than I thought!
I have been, and will continue, trying to stop constantly placing people under a microscope and try to accept them as what they are – people. I will also try to do that with myself as well. And ‘malaise’ would be the word I would pick to describe my time here on my little island in Japan. Living here for a year and no longer being in school has made it painfully obvious that I need to be in an academic environment if I want to feel even vaguely content with myself. I certainly hope, however, that my writing itself isn’t suffering from a sort of malaise. I would like these blog posts to continue to be interesting and (hopefully) entertaining. If they seem to be going downhill, please let me know and I’ll put my ass back in gear.
I guess all I can say is, “Woah, thank you for that awesome comment.” And going to graduate school for film? Something I have not seriously considered yet and…argh!…thanks a lot for making my life even more complicated now! =P
filmranger
complicated is good ;p
HanziDrown
From what I’ve read it seems like you wish you had done more with your recent time and had spent at least some time playing/learning to play instead of maturing/learning. People like to say you can be ANYTHING you want to be. But rarely do they tell you that you may spend your life trying to find out what that anything is. Nor do they mention they way you were made, matured, and exercised confines what you want to be. So not only do you have to break your back searching for “it” but you also have to realize it may not be something you thought of early on. Time is sure to be wasted in life I believe. You won’t cherish every second of your life. But you can hope that at the end you can look back and not want to change a second.
” I have now reached the point where I may indicate briefly what to me constitutes the essence of the crisis of our time. It concerns the relationship of the individual to society. The individual has become more conscious than ever of his dependence upon society. But he does not experience this dependence as a positive asset, as an organic tie, as a protective force, but rather as a threat to his natural rights, or even to his economic existence. Moreover, his position in society is such that the egotistical drives of his make-up are constantly being accentuated, while his social drives, which are by nature weaker, progressively deteriorate. All human beings, whatever their position in society, are suffering from this process of deterioration. Unknowingly prisoners of their own egotism, they feel insecure, lonely, and deprived of the naive, simple, and unsophisticated enjoyment of life. Man can find meaning in life, short and perilous as it is, only through devoting himself to society.” ;
“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity” – Albert Einstein.
Food for thought.
Please disregard anything that doesn’t make sense. Anything that does probably doesn’t make ~much~ sense. But hopefully I inspire some small thought.